Thou Shall
by Project Zombie Shitstorm
Summary: Just some random rules that all or at least most Resident Evil characters seem to follow. Reveiws loved!
1. The Basics

_This was created when me and my friend (Jill Valentine the Sandwich, **check out her stories!**) where randomly texting these back and fourth one night. We agreed to put them up here so everyone else can enjoy them as well. xD_

**Resident Evil Rules:**

Thou must split up whenever possible.

Thou must never carry more than six items.

Thou shall assign the rookie the hardest job.

Thou must learn that there is a time limit for boss battles.

Thou shall state the obvious in dire situations.

Thou must accept that the solution is always the most unlikely one.

Thou must blow up the mansion/island at the end of every adventure.

Thou must never wonder why there are random bullets and healing items everywhere.

Thou shall never question if that is, indeed, a green herb and not weed.

Thou shall not question why a married man who is supposed to be in the dining hall is checking up on thee.

Thou shall not question why a plant heals horrible injuries in less than 3 seconds.

Thou shall not wonder why Dr. Marcus can age 50 years in 20 seconds.

Thou shall not question why the sanity of thy team mate is practically non existent.

Thou shall always act surprised when thou sees a zombie.

Thou shall not call for backup in a corpse-ridden, blood drenched train.

Thou shall not call Dr. Marcus Sephiroth.

If thou are a villain, thou must call the monsters 'children'.

Thou shall not question where those extra weapons and healing items are stored.

Thou shall not wonder how the item boxes are connected.

Thou must be ready to play 'Moonlight Sonata' at all times.

Thou shall read every diary, file, and note thou finds.

Thou must insist that thou can actually see dead people.

Thou must call "What/Who is this/it?" every time thou sees something of interest.

Thou must kill the final boss in the most epic way possible.

Thou shall not question how thy partner survived a three story fall into monster ridden waters.

Thou shall point your gun at corpses of thou wishes to survive.

Thou shall never ask why zombies respawn.

Thou shall accept the inevitable years in therapy.

Thou must not question why there is a room in the ceiling.

Thou must always explore the basement.

Thou shall accuse everyone of being a spy.

Thou shall stand and watch thou partner get attacked by a zombie because of thy retarded AI.

Thou must have done something wrong in the past life.

Thou must not see the giant scorpion on the roof.

Thou must never question conveniently placed keys.

Thou shall never ask why there are so many goddamned riddles in the mansion/train/warehouse.

Thou shall blame everything on Umbrella.

Thou shall accuse everyone of being infected with the T-virus.

Thou shall not underestimate midgets.

Thou shall calls others by their last name.

Thou must know what 'indivisible' means.

Thou must turn around painfully slow whenever possible.

Thou must be saved from certain death more times then thou can count.

Thou shall ask if one is alright, even if the question is completely unrelated to the conversation.

Thou must not wonder why there is a conveniently placed mansion there.


	2. Continued!

_Yep, we were at it again so I'll add some more to the ever-growing list. xD_

_I apologize if these ones aren't as good, and I think these will be the last ones posted for a while, unless me and Ada/Jill (Jill Valentine the Sandwich) go at it again. xD_

**Resident Evil Rules (continued):**

Thou must be deliberately bad at aiming firearms as to waste thy partner and thy own ammo. (Kudos to Biohazard23 for this one!)

Thou shall always begin by breaking and entering.

Thou must be partnered with someone of the opposite gender.

Thou must admit that thou are not Indiana Jones, although thou my feel like him.

Thou shall not question how a dog who was caught in a bear trap can walk and fight.

Thou shall not ask if said dog is Hewie.

Thou must unlock every door thou comes across.

Thou must not be optimistic.

Thou shall trash talk major bosses.

Thou must understand that thou has a very good chance at being wang-paled if thou has a Spanish accent.

Thou must kill everything thou comes into contact with without questions.

Thou shall not ask why the signs in Spain are written in English.

Thou will not carry a cell phone.

Thou is probably screwed if thou has arachnophobia.

Thou shall always try to explore the sewers.

Thou shall not question why there just happens to be a self destruct system.

Thou must not wonder why the hell that animal is so big.

Thou shall not question cannibalism between zombies.

Thou will not suggest a game of cards to release tension unless thou wishes to run the risk of being slapped.

Thou shall not ask why Rebecca is dressed as a cowgirl.

Thou shall not even ask what the hell Chris is wearing. (His street clothes from REmake, if you don't get it.)

Thou must not leave the zombie infested mansion on the slight chance that thy teammates are there.

Thou must learn that Wesker does not approve of thy bullshit.

Thou will inevitably prove that common sense is not so common.

Thou must break or lose any radios before entering an infested area.

Thou shall quickly learn the difference between cannibalism and sexual harassment.

Thou must investigate the giant mutated shark tank before leaving.

Thou shall not, under any circumstances, take documents from the mansion to prove thy theory of zombies existing.

Thou shall not question how typing thy name on a typewriter can bring thee back to life.

Thou must learn that dogs are not man's best friend.

Thou shall never know how ones health is determined by colour.

Thou shall sneak up on teammates whenever possible.

Thou shall grab the First Aid Spray instead of a gun when someone barges into a room.

Thou shall knock someone out before insisting thou doesn't want to hurt anyone.

Thou shall not believe in bringing grenades.

Thou shall not prank thy partner by switching the First Aid Spray with spraypaint.

Thou must not shoot off locks but hit them with an ice pick.

Thou must wish thou had Jill Valentine with them.

Thou must correct someone when they call a baboon a monkey.

Thou shall lose thy flashlight.

Thou shall take thy sweet time while reloading.

Thy clothes shall not be shredded even after countless injuries.

Thou shall learn the difference between an infectious bite and a hickey.

Thou must kick down as many doors as possible.

Thou shall reload at the worst possible moment.

Thou shall kill cows and chickens for the hell of it.

Thou shall make it thy goal in life to shoot as many birds as possible.

Thou will never again doubt that zombie dogs wont jump through fires.

Thou must never wonder how a dog was caught by a zombie.

Thou shall harbor all secrets of Umbrella unless thou wants thy death.

Thou should give up any intentions of being badass if thou wishes to survive.

Thou shall use partners as shields in self defense, they'll understand.

Thou must look into every stall when in a bathroom.

Thou must quote Left 4 Dead and shout "Reloading!" even if no one is in the room.

Thou shall not take the time to wonder if zombies have feelings.

Thou shall shoot out all of the lights and pictures before progressing.

Thou shall call the rookie "Kiddo" or any other name that belittles her/him.

Said rookie shall refrain from shooting thou in thy ass.


End file.
